If Baby Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy

There's an old saying in the South that says "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." The opposite is not necessarily true. But this saying holds up pretty well in most homes I've ever seen. When the mother is happy, things are carefree and joyful. When someone puts a bee in Mommy's bonnet, then we're all in for a world of hurt.
This traditional wisdom ought to be applied to babies as well. In fact, it's much more true with the baby if you ask me. I've said before that a baby screaming at you right in your face is a difficult thing to take. Mainly because its so entirely foreign to us. If a guy came up to you in the grocery store and started screaming in your face, you'd punch him. You may not punch your baby. I repeat, you may not punch your baby.
A screaming, unhappy infant makes for many a long night for parents. The problem is two fold. On one side, there's the screaming infant which raises the tension in the household to a level of about 9 on a scale of 1 to 10. Then on the other side, and worsening matters significantly, there is the absolute ignorance as to what's causing this child's unhappiness. This amps that tension level up to about 98. That's not a typo. Nine. Eight. Ninety-eight!
I tell most people who are expecting or who are young parents the same thing. All the cliches you hear while expecting are absolutely true. Your life never will be the same. You really should have enjoyed your sleep. The baby does indeed run the home. But the funniest thing I heard was from my father. "If a baby's crying he's either hungry, tired, has a dirty diaper or he's in pain."
Finally, one cliche that is not true. I'll grant that 90% of the time or more, this saying holds up. But frankly there are times when the kid is fed, rested, dry and seemingly pain free that screams abound. Often from a face that was smiling only a nanosecond before. What do you do then? That's not rhetorical, I'd really like to know because most of what I tried didn't work.
My son is a usually happy baby. He can certainly pitch a fit like Roger Clemens pitches a fastball, but all in all he's jovial and funny. He scrunches his eyes and nose when he smiles big and it absolutely captures your heart. You have to smile back.
So the opposite is true for babies. "When baby's happy, everybody's happy." Why? Because the house is quiet, his smiles and laughs are infectious, and because a happy baby makes a happy mommy and then we're back to the original saying.
I work with a man who doesn't want to have children. He's in his early forties and has already had the operation where scalpels should never tread (that's a vasectomy operation for those who don't catch my drift.) I can't imagine a life with just me and my wife. And I am as crazy about my wife as Liza Minelli is just plain crazy. But while we are great together, we are complete with our child (and Lord willing more children later.)
If you lived 100 years of a life with no children and did everything you wanted to do, made all the money you wanted to make, what would you have at the end of it all? Where would your legacy be? To me, the greatest accomplishment anyone will ever do in their life is to raise a Christian child. That's my main goal. And if that's the only one I get accomplished, I'll consider all this a success. And the opposite is also true.

Bouncing Baby Boys and Itty Bitty Kitties

We've had our cat, Phoebe (after the Friend's character) for over three years now. We got her at the shelter not long after we got married (they called her Shimmer, which I still consider a great Fuel song, but a horrible pet name.)

Phoebe could probably be diagnosed as being feline bipolar, but she's family. So it was never a question of whether or not to keep her when our son was born. Obviously if problems had arisen that cat would have been on a Chinese menu faster than you can say Pu Pu Platter, but we weren't going to assume there would be a problem.

Several people cautioned us saying that cats would jump in the crib with newborns and "steal their breath." I'm not sure how that was to happen. But the implication was that the baby would be somehow endangered. After a little online research I, not surprisingly, found this to be an old wives tale.

Thus far there is not a lot of interaction between cat and kid. Our son is not even crawling yet so if Phoebe is the least bit uncomfortable, she just leaves. She's not at all confrontational anyway. But there have been times where she's licked his head or he's grabbed her fur. They acknowledge each other's existence in such ways.

Like children, every pet is different. So what happened in our case isn't necessarily what will happen in yours. But don't assume that your pets and you offspring can't coexist. There may be things that come up that force your hand (discontented animals, allergies, room, money, etc) but pets and babies have lived in harmony for eons. I see no reason for them to stop now.

Marriage Maintenance

Gentlemen, listen up. This next lesson is vital.

Just because you and your wife have brought a new life into this world doesn't mean your old life is over. That's a very generic statement that could be applied to a million different topics, but today we're discussing marriage maintenance.

Your wife was your whole world. You love her enough to have pledged yourself to her, so when the little one arrives your pledge still holds up. Here are some tips for you to maintain your loving relatioship. To make this fun, we'll use some song lyrics.

1. Counting Flowers on the Wall...Flowers guys. Flowers. There's no better way to have women respect you in a grocery store than to walk around with a bouquet of flowers. If you really want to hear them fall over from shock, tell them (when they ask, bragger) that there's no occassion.
WHAT?!? FLOWERS AT RANDOM?!? WHY, THAT'S JUST INSANE!
Easy baby. Flowers at random tell your wife several things. She's thought of when she's not in the same room with you. That she's appreciated. That you love her. That she's worth stopping on the way home after work, when all you want to do is crash on the couch. See how this works?
Price isn't the problem either. My wife is tickled pink when I buy Kroger bouqets for $5-10. It really is the thought that counts.

2. More Than Words...I always thought that song was about sex. I guess I was pretty immature when it came out. But now I think it was a little more tender than that. I've learned in life that love is a verb, not a noun. It's not the way you feel, its what you do to show her how you feel. And that doesn't have to mean a nice massage, foot rub, dinner and show kind of thing. Maybe it's renting her a movie she's wanted to see (and maybe you didn't.) It might be just cleaning the house when she's beat, because with a baby she will be worn out about 89% of the time. TAKING THE BABY. Just take the baby and play with him, change the diapers, give the baths, give the feedings if you can. Be a helpmate for your helpmate.

The following item is for mature audiences only.

3. I'll Make Love To You...I won't ruin this with personal stories, but I'll say this: Just because you've conceived a child doesn't mean you're done with sex. Your wife needs to feel that she's still attractive. (This won't be a problem, contrary to popular belief when the child is born your wife won't start wearing curlers and muu muus around the house. In fact, you may start finding her more attractive than ever before.) Be patient, after childbirth, it takes a while before your wife will be physically able to have sex.

OK, the kids can come back to the computer now.

I suppose there can be a lot more suggestions here. But remember throughout your marriage to respect your wife and be considerate of her feelings. Especially after childbirth. She'll be more emotional and she'll be more fragile. It's no time for you to let the added stress of a growing family cause you fly off the handle.

Alright, not too funny today, but I think useful.

Put on Your Sunday Best Kids, We're Going to Sears!

When you have your first child (and I suppose this pattern follows for every additional child you have) you are told one thing repeatedly by every mother, brother, sister, in-law and out-law you know. You must get pictures of the baby. And no, your puny 35mm camera will not do. And no, your $300 digital camera won't do either. You must take that child and spend beaucoup money on pictures made by "professionals."

First, let's discuss the loose language that leads people to call a Sears/JC Penney/WalMart/KMart employee a photography professional. What they really are is a retail employee with better equipment than you'll ever have. Now don't get me wrong, Laurie, our Sears associate, was very good. And she was patient, which was needed. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Our son was 5 months old on Friday and Saturday was his first trip to a photographer (ie, Sears.) My boss, who does photography as a hobby, did take some pictures when he was much younger, and they're great, but they were all at my home.

We dressed the boy up in a nice, Springy yellow outfit. He was as cute as ever. We loaded him in the car and made the 10 minute drive to Sears from our home. We weren't 2 minutes in when he started grunting. (For to-be-parents, that means he's pooping.) AND BOY DID HE! The grunting went on for several minutes, which is extremely bad.

I had minor feelings of alarm, thinking it was possible that he had pooped through the diaper and possibly ruined the outfit. We got to Sears and my wife (with a cold, God bless her) took him into the women's restroom and came out quickly saying only, "It's bad. It was dripping."

I took him because there was more room in the men's restroom. I had my wife run and tell them we were here, but we were delayed. So I laid him on the diaper deck to find that we had 3 measley little wet wipes. So I'm using wet paper towels to clean the boy who had pooped through the diaper, up his back, down his legs and into a pool in the bottom of his carseat. He's screaming like I'm beating him with a reed and the gentlemen passing in and out of the restroom were so helpful with their, "Somebody's not happy" comments.

After much work, I got him into a fresh diaper and a clean outfit (not nearly as cute.) He got one pose, one snap of the shutter before he spit up all over that shirt. Laurie (photographer) decided to do diaper shots. Way to think on your feet Laurie. So she and my wife did that while I ran out into Sears and bought more baby clothes. By this point he's tired of being changed and changed again, he's hot, he's just fussy. We managed to get in about 8 poses. Which is the minimum.

Most of the pictures are cute, which is a credit both to Laurie and to just how cute my son could be with a tiny bit of effort to smile or be in a good mood. And they did several "enhancements" which were great as well. But all told, it was a minor disaster. So the next time my mother, my sister-in-law, or anyone else demands pictures, I will punch them in the gut and walk away.

Changing Diapers

What's your favorite diaper changing technique?

My sister-in-law's response to a previous post (Better Peed Off than Peed On) got me thinking about this topic. To modify a Paul Simon lyric, "there must be 50 ways to change a diaper..."

1. Just Slip Out the Back Jack...This is the nickname I'll give my technique to stay consistent with the 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover theme. I like to place a new diaper, opened, under my son. So that it appears that you're getting ready to wrap him, diaper and all, in a fresh one. Then I quickly remove the old diaper and whip the front panel into place of the new diaper. Total exposed to air time: less than 1 second.

2. Make a New Plan Stan...we'll nickname Crystal's technique with this line. They like the idea of using an opened diaper like a catcher's mit for any oncoming pee. It's a nice technique. You always protect yourself that way. And if you're quick enough to bring it down to the baby's nether-regions, then you protect him as well. Total exposed to air time: various, but near 1 second.

3. You Don't Need to be Coy Roy...Avoiding the pee won't make it go away. If you're technique resembles a French Military stand (ie, retreat) please administer another technique and show some backbone.

Just Get Yourself Free. That's the name of the game. Technique's vary, but if it's effective, stick with it. If not, feel free to use mine. If you've got a different technique (and you've somehow found this site) then please pass it on through the comments portion. Until then, we'll close with more Paul Simon...

"Just hop on the bus, Gus. You don't need to discuss much. Just drop off the key, Lee and get yourself free."

Rice Cereal: It Sounds So Simple

Starting your child on solid foods seems simple. Mix a little breast milk or formula with some rice cereal in a thin consistency. Place on rubber tipped spoon. Place into baby's mouth. But that's where it all gets a little hairy.

Our son was not exactly receptive to the idea. It would hit his mouth and he'd push it out with his tongue. It would have been annoying if it weren't so funny to watch. This went on for a while. We actually gave up and put it off a week. Then when we started again, it wasn't much easier. He's slowly eased his way into it.

And to be completely honest, I only wrote this to post his picture. He's much, much better now. He doesn't fuss except when the spoon's not moving fast enough for his hunger. We went with the cereal a little bit thicker than was suggested. He likes to smack his gums and eat it that way. One more task tackled by the Super Parents.

Tuesday, Bloody Tuesday

There's nothing like being the parent that most often injurs the baby.

The first time I injured our son I was trying to carry him in his baby papasan from the computer room to the living room. I lost grip on one side of the papasan and dropped the whole thing. He tumbled out and hit his head. He screamed and screamed. I felt like the biggest jerk/clutz in the world. He calmed down after about 5-10 minutes (each minute passing slower than the average hour) and he showed no ill effects afterward.

Well today I cemented my place as top injurer. I was coming in from a nice morning run and my son was just waking up. He was typically giddy. I picked him up from the basinet and took him into the nursery. We had just changed his diaper when I noticed a big scratch on his face. The fingernails had gotten too long again, so I thought I'd trim them.

The doc recommends a pair of small scissors. A good eye by the old doc. However, I couldn't find said scissors, so I used the clippers. Very successfully I might add. Up until I was trimming one last fingernail (index finger on the left hand for those who like details.) I clipped, he cried, he bled. Oh boy did he bleed. I didn't previously know that apparently 90% of an infant's bloodflow is in his left index finger tip.

So I'm still in the lead. Still injurring my son at a far greater pace than my beautiful wife, who seems to do very little wrong. It's rather intimidating. But we're still struggling through. The little one stopped bleeding eventually and now I'm sure it's just sore.

By the way, if there's not already infant sized bandages on the market, someone needs to tap that idea and make millions.

Money II: A Frightening Prospect

In the last money post I talked about the importance of a budget. Well, when you do your budget, be prepared to see something you don't like.

Yesterday I laid out all my income vs all of my expenses. That revealed that we're spending more than we're making. That's bad news. Especially for a father. It's my biblical responsibility to care for this family. So I have to fix this.

There are three possible solutions:
1. Spend less money. Unfortunately, that's not a real option without selling a vehicle. Our vehicles are not lavish now. I'm not willing to trade down to a less dependable vehicle because I think it's more important to have something we can rely on.
2. Get a raise. Gee, that should be easy.
3. Get a second job.

The most likely solution is the third one. I don't want a second job. The thought of not being at home to give my son his nighttime feeding or to give him his bath nearly brings me to tears. But I'll do what I have to do for the sake of my family.

It's a real possibility for several people I'm sure. And I'm certainly not the first person to have to do this. But that doesn't make the medicine any sweeter.

I'd love to give some sage like advice here, but I'm tapped out today. Prayer, here I come.

Money

The proverbial root of all evil (actually it's the "love of money" that is given that distinction.)
Rich people have it and don't need it. Poor people want it and can't get it. I'm somewhere in between and getting much nearer the latter.

A very foolish thing I did while my wife was pregnant was failing to save for medical bills. They come from all sides. The birth of our son through Cesaerian section delivery, coupled with a few days in the hospital, and adding in the surgery my wife had not long after makes for lots of the pesky bills.

Hospitals are nice enough to send you bills a few at a time. They don't believe in saving trees in the medical profession. They'd rather send you one bill for this, one bill for that, and another bill for anything this or that might not have included.

In all seriousness the medical bills can get burdensome. Insurance helps, but doesn't eliminate the problem. You pay what you can and they won't repossess your house, but it does add to the stress factor. One of the early lessons learned in parenthood is how to control your stress levels and keep your frustration in check. That's a tough one to learn when you've got a screaming baby, a pile of bills and a worried wife.

Here are a few tips from an old pro (first baby, not even five montsh in and I think I'm a know-it-all!):
1. Get a good book before the baby is born. I recommend grabbing a copy of The Expectant Father as soon as you learn your wife is pregnant. Its a big help.
2. Listen to it. The book offers good advice on saving money and preparing for the birth. Don't be like me. Heed that advice and save up as much money as you can. I'd say somewhere near $2000-$3000 will put in you good shape with those med bills. Depending on your situation, that may be difficult. But do what you can.
3. If the med bills get to be a bit much, talk to them and try to set up a payment plan you can handle. Remember, they want their money, so it's in their interest to work with you.
4. Talk with your spouse. Be honest and open. Don't try to hide how things are and if you need to buckle down, discuss that with her. Pray about it, and work as a team. God gave us a helper for a reason.
5. Budget. I'm still working on this, and frankly, need to dedicate myself to it more thoroughly. I recommend software programs like Microsoft Money or Quicken. They will provide you with reports on how you're spending and help you construct a budget. Some even have debt reduction plans. Those are especially handy.